I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
