My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize