I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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