Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
