Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize