you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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