I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
