Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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