I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
