i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize