My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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