my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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