Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
