he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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