the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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