the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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