just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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