**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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