She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize