You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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