Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
