Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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