my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
