Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize