My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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