I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
