New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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