Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
