How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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