I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
