Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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