Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize