all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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