grandma shit on top of the toilet
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
