Girls should come with a carfax report
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
