As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
