it hurts more in the daytime
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
