Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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