I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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