Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
