Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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