Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can't put those talents on a resume
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
