no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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