i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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