Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
