I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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