OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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