Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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