Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize