Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
pop tarts are not kleenex
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't turn off my feet"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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