the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize