After last night, I could never be a politician.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
