If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
