U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
