are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
