I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
