God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
